Just a quick word right now. I’m going to have a chunk of time late today in which I hope to write something, but I want to capture this moment. I’m crying, and I feel broken and frightened and ashamed, and I need to admit it before my intellect steps back in.
I’ve gained five pounds in the last month and I am terrified that this will be a trend. In true compulsive eater fashion this fear and stress has caused me to act out with food more, not less. I’ve even had several incidents of true binge eating; the only saving grace being that I binged on food groups within my plan. But I ate enough to make myself sick and in pain.
I was out of town for several days last week, in a place surrounded with a lot of food temptations. I did very well, and then snapped the day after I got back when I found out I had still managed to have my weight go up. The scale, a necessary tool in my quest to maintain my life-saving weight loss, is becoming an object of fear for me.
Oh, my friends, I don’t want to stay in this place. I am a living miracle because I am still clean from drugs today, but intensely addictive behavior hurts my soul no matter what the details of it are. I know what to do; in fact, I’ve been doing it for a couple of days again now, but I’m so afraid that it won’t be enough; that the scale will just keep going up and up no matter what I do and I can’t let that happen. I can’t go back. I’ve changed too much.
I know how to re-center myself in a recovery frame of mind, but I get scared and overwhelmed when I’m surrounded by things I need to do in the world of adult functioning at the same time. How do I admit to my family that I have to focus on this right now; that I might not be able to function as well until I feel more stable in this aspect of my recovery. Who’s going to take up the slack?
I’m reaching, almost physically, for that balance I need; that balance of self-love to remove my shame and tough love to remove any excuses I’m trying to make. For faith in my program and in my spirituality; for enough of it to cast out fear.