A Word From The Pit

Just a quick word right now. I’m going to have a chunk of time late today in which I hope to write something, but I want to capture this moment. I’m crying, and I feel broken and frightened and ashamed, and I need to admit it before my intellect steps back in.

I’ve gained five pounds in the last month and I am terrified that this will be a trend. In true compulsive eater fashion this fear and stress has caused me to act out with food more, not less. I’ve even had several incidents of true binge eating; the only saving grace being that I binged on food groups within my plan. But I ate enough to make myself sick and in pain.

I was out of town for several days last week, in a place surrounded with a lot of food temptations. I did very well, and then snapped the day after I got back when I found out I had still managed to have my weight go up. The scale, a necessary tool in my quest to maintain my life-saving weight loss, is becoming an object of fear for me.

Oh, my friends, I don’t want to stay in this place. I am a living miracle because I am still clean from drugs today, but intensely addictive behavior hurts my soul no matter what the details of it are. I know what to do; in fact, I’ve been doing it for a couple of days again now, but I’m so afraid that it won’t be enough; that the scale will just keep going up and up no matter what I do and I can’t let that happen. I can’t go back. I’ve changed too much.

I know how to re-center myself in a recovery frame of mind, but I get scared and overwhelmed when I’m surrounded by things I need to do in the world of adult functioning at the same time. How do I admit to my family that I have to focus on this right now; that I might not be able to function as well until I feel more stable in this aspect of my recovery. Who’s going to take up the slack?

I’m reaching, almost physically, for that balance I need; that balance of self-love to remove my shame and tough love to remove any excuses I’m trying to make. For faith in my program and in my spirituality; for enough of it to cast out fear.

3 responses to “A Word From The Pit

  1. When the deep seated emotional conflicts arise for me, I am lucky if I can say it aloud. I am 26 years sober and still have issues. I commend you and respect how much courage you have shown by your post.
    I have tremendous empathy and compassion for you dear friend.

  2. it will be enough…if only for this moment or for this day. keep doing what you know you are supposed to do and it will always be just enough for that moment.

  3. I’m touched by this. I feel this pain. I’m sorry. Thank you for writing it.

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