Still Here

I am still here.

I’ve started several articles in the last few days and finished none.

I’ve continued to be humbled by the expected but still ass-kicking return of food obsession.
I feel like crap physically, so much so that I skipped my dancing class last night.
I have to go to my support group in two days and I fear getting on that scale because mine tells me I have gained weight this week.
I am late refilling my meds and have gone two days without them now.

I’ve started several articles but finished none.
Yes, I said that already, but it bears repeating because it really bugs me.

So, I want to just check in, tell my readers that I haven’t disappeared completely, and use the old standby of “if all else fails, tell the truth.” I really hate not being able to write, or writing but then seeing that what I’ve written feels forced or inauthentic.

It won’t be the first or last time that I’ve hit a tough spot, and I want it represented so that people can identify with it. Then, later, when I’m doing better, we can all have another reminder that these things pass.

That being said, what sentence have I written so far that needs addressing the most?

Correct! I let myself run out of my bipolar meds…what the hell was I thinking? I’ve been consumed with the struggle to learn to apply my recovery to food in a new way, but that doesn’t mean I can let things like this slip! That’s the kind of trend I could end up analyzing in an admissions interview somewhere.

Integrative/dual diagnosis recovery can feel like trying to keep many spinning plates in the air. It’s scary to know that a lot depends on not letting any of them fall, and those old self-defeating voices love to tell me that it’s inevitable for one to come crashing down eventually. I find myself in situations like this, realizing that a plate is in danger of falling and I have to make a quick adjustment, and I might feel overwhelmed, fearful, ashamed or even resentful. Or just tired. There’s a strong desire to just let it all go and let gravity take over.

Just for today, I’m not going to do that. I called the pharmacy and they will have my meds tomorrow. I will go to the group on Thursday and not hide from the reality of my current struggle with eating. I’ll go to my meetings and stay in touch with my recovery.

Thanks for listening, friends. I wish I could say something really cool and inspirational right about now, because you deserve it. See you soon.


2 responses to “Still Here

  1. Sharing the reality is inspirational, thank you for doing so. X

  2. Hope you’re back on your meds. If I miss a dose, I (and my husband and son) pay for it. Wishing you the best.

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