Home on the Deranged

We don’t know why people make such a big deal about moving. It really is a simple, logical, step-by-step process. Just transport all items from location A to location B, except for those items you need to get rid of, which need to be transported to locations C, D or E. Then arrange the items in location B as efficiently as possible. Then go back and clean location A thoroughly, even though you know that your chance of getting any of your security deposit back is virtually zero due to your four-legged machine of destruction.

Transporting stuff is nothing to get worked up over! So you’ve got disabilities and can’t lift much…that’s what moving companies are for. Oh? No money to hire help? Get over that social phobia and get some friends to carry stuff. And get that dog somewhere safe for the process! And there’s no need to stress over cleaning; just take your time and don’t hurt yourself. You’ve got a whole day between the move and the inspection.

Don’t forget to shut down your cable, trash, phone, and electric service at the old place and start them up at the new one. In each case we’re talking about a simple phone call and some information to keep track of. Making phone calls is nothing to be afraid of, so ignore that racing heart and those sweaty palms and get on with it!

Moving need not disrupt your whole life. Don’t let it be an excuse to neglect doctors’s appointments, schooling, your child’s various appointments, your writing, twelve-step meetings, sticking to your food plan, and exercise. Be sure to get plenty of sleep every night so that you can tackle the next day’s tasks with a clear mind.

Okay…never mind that last one. Guess it was a bit over the top.

The moving process will go much more smoothly if you discipline your mind as well as your body. This is no time for any mental health shenanigans, so on no account should you indulge in a bipolar episode, a bout of dysthymia or a stress-induced anxiety attack. Take your meds properly, but after that, it’s up to you not to let your family down by being less than useful at this critical time. So suck it up; mind over matter. Believe me, those pesky mental disorders will be cowed into submission by the sheer force of your will.

When you are moved in to your new place, you may continue to be aware of many fears that have emerged during the course of finding and preparing to move into your new home. These are all perfectly normal reactions to change, and as a mother it’s quite appropriate that you consider all potential problems and take rational action to keep your family safe and happy. You may be dealing with any of the following:

Lasciviherusophobia: Fear that your new landlord is a fan of the droit du seigneur

Malificauriophobia: Fear that every little sound you can hear from your new bedroom signifies the entrance of a serial killer downstairs

Canisnutabilisophobia: Fear that your neurotic dog will fail to adjust well to the move and become even higher maintenance

Climacobuccaruptophobia: Fear that taking a lease on a two-story house will invite fate to engineer a serious injury to your daughter’s knee and make life a logistical nightmare

Lacrimaseraphophobia: Fear that the tiny statue of a lady on the birdbath is really a Weeping Angel

Catellavirgohostiasaccolaphobia: Fear that your new neighbors belong to an obscure cult that sacrifices puppies and teenage girls

and don’t forget the most important one:

Infelicifamiliaculpaphobia: Fear that your family will be miserable there for some unspecified reason and it will be YOUR FAULT.

The best way to take your mind off of these fears is constructive action. Awake at 4 a.m. again? Brush up on your French, clean that stubborn grout in the bathtub, or plan tomorrow’s physics lesson! Surely waking up the dog won’t have any negative consequences. Continue to discipline your thoughts and actions, follow the advice in this guide, and the stress of moving will soon be but a happy memory. Best of luck to you in your new home!

Sincerely yours,

The Commission of People Who Do Everything Better Than You

One response to “Home on the Deranged

  1. Christine Hult-Lewis

    Hilarious. And I’m sorry moving is so stressful . . .

    Good luck and let me know once you’re all moved in!


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