Request Denied

To: Tertia
From: Tertia, Inc.
Re: HELP!!!

Dear Tertia:

We have received your rather urgently worded requests for pharmaceutical assistance with your current anxiety. Although we are sympathetic to the stress caused by signing a new lease, financial issues, parenting challenges and some of the other reasons you present for your requisition, we must inform you that your request is denied for the following reasons:

One: Our research shows that there is not, in fact, any danger of the imminent cardiac arrest, suffocation, or alien-induced internal chest rupture that your frantic descriptions indicate. We are confident that you are not, in fact, about to die, nor is your skin likely to explode away from your body and leave your internal organs scattered on the ground.

Two: Although we would never fail to treat the danger of self-harm with appropriate seriousness, comparison of your present state with past crises indicates that what you are experiencing falls well within your endurance. We encourage you to remember your past accomplishments in this regard and not to underestimate your own strength. Also, imminent danger of self-harm is an occasion for a trip to the emergency room, not for the informal procuring and use of medication.

Three: Data from your history suggests that your anxiety attack is unlikely to persist for more than 3 to 4 days, while the consequences of introducing an addictive drug into your regimen have the potential to last much longer. Due to past experiences, we cannot accept the phrases “just one,” “just this once,” “I can’t stand this,” or “it’s for the best,” as having any validity.

Four: Also due to past history, we feel obliged to bring to your attention the complete illogic of your statement that drugs would help you function better at a time when your family needs you to function, since any temporary improvement would be quickly negated by the effects of misuse and withdrawal. We respectfully point out that in your state of distress you may be in danger of forgetting that you are a drug addict in recovery.

We hope you understand that your health and well-being is our first priority. If your condition should worsen, we commend to your attention the possibilities of a) contacting your psychiatrist to adjust your non-addictive medication, b) seeking extra support from friends, family and your recovery community, c) occupational therapy and d) rocking back and forth, babbling to anyone who will listen, biting your nails, and any other less-than-perfect but less-than-destructive way of surviving the next few days.

With best wishes for your quick improvement,

Tertia, Inc.

 

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